Having exposed the Wake Forest University Demon Deacon football team for what they
are (liars, cheats and thieves), I am now embroiled in further controversy. The vast
unwashed masses which make up my regular readership (I am referring here to Ben
Elliott) have risen up in arms in defense of poor, pitiful Wake, making the standard
excuse of eleven-year-old miscreants everywhere: everybody does it.
Of course they do. But we expect better of a formerly nominally Baptist institution.
Certainly all football teams cheat. That’s why the games have penalties. Ever seen a
college football game without a penalty? Didn’t think so. But I’m not speaking of an
“illegal shift” or a “substitution infraction” or even “illegal touching” (which is not nearly
as bad as it sounds — not that I could explain why not in family paper such as this).
What I am speaking of is the endemic and systemic epidemic of vile and corrupt
practices that threaten to turn an esteemed American institution into something akin to
the United States Congress. Yeah, it’s that bad.
In some cases the cheating in college football is so out in the open no one notices.
How’s this for truth in advertising? Sooner, the nickname for the University of
Oklahoma actually means cheater. Don’t believe me? Open your textbook, “A Brief
History of the Desolate Interior Portions of the North American Continent,” to page 318.
Follow as I read: “On April 22, 1889, the first day homesteading was permitted, 50,000
people swarmed into the Oklahoma Territory. Those who left before the noon starting
gun were called Sooners, hence the nickname.” Here’s what Funk & Wagnalls say:
“Sooner: a person who settles on government land before it is legally opened to
settlers in order to gain the choice of location, thus, more generally, a person who
gains an unfair advantage by getting ahead of others.”
Makes you wonder how the honor code at Oklahoma reads, don’t it?
Also consider this: “Boomer Sooner,” the fight song for the University of Oklahoma was
written by Arthur M. Alden in 1905 with a tune “borrowed” from “Boola Boola,” the fight
song of Yale University. An addition added a year later was “borrowed” from UNC’s
“I’m a Tar Heel Born.”
But, you say, having actually watched some of many fine corporately sponsored
holiday season football bowl games, the cheaters didn’t always win. Settle down. Don’t
you remember what I said? They all cheat. So, while all the winners did cheat, some of
the cheaters did lose. The best case in point is Oklahoma. Of course the Sooners
cheated, they just got out-cheated in the Tostitos Fiesta Bowl by the Broncos of Boise
State. The three biggest plays of the game? All “trick” plays. The game winning play?
The Statue of Liberty — which was outlawed by the Geneva Conventions in 1949.
The Wednesday Morning Quarterbacks all also want to know why Wake, if they cheat
so much, didn’t win against Louisville (which is not pronounced Lewis-ville, as many
might think, but Louie-ville). The answer is simple. Louisville cheated more, better and
faster. Anyone who watched the Orange Bowl will have noticed that the biggest play
for the Louisville Cardinals was a cross-field halfback pass.
Now just where might you think that Louisville got this play? Simple, they stole it from
the playbook they pilfered from Wake Forest.
And if these results are not enough to make my point, anyone who watched carefully
the Tostitos BCS Bowl will testify that the Florida Gators appeared to be the Demon
Deacons on steroids — literally. The deception, fakery and connivances of the Gators
were so effective that UF coach Urban Meyer could have won without THE Ohio State
University Buckeyes’ star, Ted Ginn, Jr., injuring himself celebrating 14 seconds into the
game, or for THE Ohio State University coach Jim Tressel opting to go for it on fourth
and one at their own 29 yard line when down by 10 points in the second quarter — not
that Coach Meyer didn’t appreciate the help
Errata from the “How does Wake’s football team win?” column. Kent University
alumni were incensed that I did not know that while Kent State University had
changed its name to Kent University it had since reverted back to Kent State
University. Sorry, it’s my fault I didn’t have them on speed-dial. If it’s any
consolation to them, I don’t know what to call Theresa Heinz Kerry Heinz either.
Gary D. Gaddy is just back from an early January trip to south Florida where he and one
of his WFU brothers took their father, who matriculated at Wake Forest College in 1941
and then went on to Bowman-Gray Medical School, to a special four-hour therapy
session intended to relieve over 65 years of chronic pain. The treatment was partially
successful.
A version of this column was published in the Chapel Hill Herald, January 18, 2007.
Copyright 2007 Gary D. Gaddy
garygaddy.com 