Now that the college football bowl season is over, I would like to explain it to those
many of you who are still confused. With apologies to Ambrose Bierce (the dyspeptic
author of the Devil’s Dictionary), I (the dyspeptic author of this regular Thursday column)
would like to clarify the complexities of this interwoven athletic, financial and educational
system. For simplicity’s sake, I will use acronyms.
NCAA — National Collegiate Athletic Association. A voluntary association of
institutions, conferences and organizations that protects the athletic programs of
colleges and universities from themselves.
BCS — Bowl Championship Series. (See also BCS — Bowl Cartel Scheme.) The system
of post-season play constructed by the major college football conferences designed to
ensure that they continue to be the major college football conferences.
Tostitos® Fiesta Bowl — A really big football game between OU and BSU to promote
ingestion of deep-fried corn chips.
OU — University of Oklahoma. A football factory which maintains a university to keep
its football players occupied during the brief non-football related parts of the day.
BSU — Boise State University. An obscure school from a non-BCS conference which
experts did not think could even compete in, much less win, a BCS Bowl against a real
college football team (e.g., OU).
BS — Having the quality or character of the explanations given by BCS defenders for
why undefeated BSU should not have even the opportunity to play for a national
championship.
OB — Orange Bowl. A really big football game between WFU and UofL to promote the
ingestion of citrus products.
WFU — A small private, formerly Baptist affiliated university located in Winston-Salem,
North Carolina, which found itself in the OB due to the strength of the prayers of its
pious fans.
UofL — A large private, formerly basketball affiliated university located in Louisville,
Kentucky, which found itself in the OB due to the strength of the players on its football
team.
MPC Computers Bowl — A not-so-big football game, matching UNR and The U, played
in Boise, Idaho, on bright blue artificial turf, which was also the color of the fingers and
toes of the dedicated fans and players during this late December bowl.
The U — The University of Miami. A private school located in south Florida most noted
for its programs in the pugilistic arts including extreme fighting, handgun
marksmanship and professional football skills training.
UNR – The University of Nevada, Reno. A land-grant institution most noted for being
located in Nevada.
Tostitos® Bowl Championship Series Bowl — An even bigger football game between
UF and TOSU to promote even greater ingestion of deep-fried corn chips. (See also
Bowls, Department of Redundancy Department Bowl.)
UF — University of Florida. The flagship university of the Florida college sports system,
highly successful in both revenue sports, noted for the lush green which covers its
campus, which also has some nice plants.
TOSU — THE Ohio State University. THE premiere institution of higher education in the
state of Ohio. THE premiere football program in the state of Ohio THE premiere
basketball program in the state of Ohio. THE most pretentious name for a university
ever.
32,000,000 — Number of reasons coach Nick Saban had for leaving the Miami
Dolphin’s professional football team to go to the University of Alabama Crimson Tide’s
amateur football team (in U.S. dollars).
501(c)(3) — The provision of the U.S. tax code exempting charitable, religious and
educational institutions from federal taxes and giving tax deductible status to
donations to the charitable cause of the salary of Nick Saban (and every other college
coach).
300,914,781 — The number of people who would benefit from removing the 501(c)(3)
exemption from the tax code for quasi-professional college athletics (calculated as the
current U.S. population minus 119 Division 1-A football coaches).
D-Line — Defensive line, as, for example, the NCAA’s contention that college football is
“for the benefit of the student-athlete,” or the BCS’s contention that “playoffs would
hurt the student-athletes by keeping them from their collegiate studies.”
O-Line — Offensive line, as, for example, the NCAA’s contention that college football is
“for the benefit of the student-athlete,” or the BCS’s contention that “playoffs would
hurt the student-athletes by keeping them from their collegiate studies.”
210,000,000 — Number of good reasons the BCS system has to justify its bowl system
as the best way to determine a national champion (in U.S. dollars).
Gary D. Gaddy, who as a child used to read encyclopedias and dictionaries just for the
fun of it, actually is, really, I mean it, a fan of college football.
A version of this column was published in the Chapel Hill Herald, January 25, 2007.
Copyright 2007 Gary D. Gaddy
garygaddy.com 