DURHAM, N.C. — Duke University President Richard Broadhead announced today that
researchers from the University’s geography department had just discovered that the
Duke campus was physically located in the state of North Carolina. University officials,
at first, were at a loss to explain why this hadn’t been observed sooner.
“As part of the Ivy League everyone had assumed that Duke was in the Northeast,”
said Duke geographer Maurice D’Sorentos.
President Broadhead readily admitted that this revelation had come as quite a shock to
the Duke community, including himself. “Do you really think I would have left Yale if I
had known Duke was in North Carolina?” asked Broadhead with an obviously
rhetorical intonation.
The news hit the student body hard. As the word spread around campus numerous
drinking binges and bonfires were abandoned as students stopped to consider what
this would mean to them and their inheritances.
Sophomore Nancye Botogliosi was startled at the revelation.
“I’m from New Jersey, of course. The whole reason I came to Duke was so I could stay
close to home. I’m thinking about transferring to Rutgers. They are The State
University of New Jersey, or at least that’s what they say. I’m going to have someone
check it out this time,” Botogliosi.
Dean of Students Berting Dinglehump said that he was going to institute a series of
seminars, lectures and colloquia to help Duke adjust to the changed “context in which
Duke now finds itself.” As part of the campus-wide program, said Dinglehump, “We
hope to bring some ‘locals’ on to the campus so that our students and faculty can see
what they are like.” Dinglehump said the current visiting scholars program could be
readily adapted to this “meet and greet” program. Translation services, said
Dinglehump, would be provided by faculty on loan from the English Department at
North Carolina State University in Raleigh.
Seminar topics currently planned include, “Brunswick Stew: What Is It? How Do You
Eat It?,” “Southern Linguistics: Why Speaking Loudly To Southerners Won’t Make
Them Talk Any Faster,” “NASCAR: Why The Shiniest Car Doesn’t Always Finish First”
and “Southern Sensibilities: Why Southerners Don’t Like Loud, Rude And Obnoxious
People.”
The seminars will not just be amusing looks at an alien culture but would give practical
tips for everyday living, according to Professor of the Anthropology of Primitive
Peoples Lance Grabber. “For example, in North Carolina, we have found, it is not useful
to honk at drivers who stop at stop signs and stop lights,” said Dr. Grabber. “Stopping
is a local custom here. As annoying as it is, we should try to tolerate it.”
Duke is now considering broadening its diversity policy to include a Southerner, said
Director of Admissions West Eloté. “Others don’t agree, but I think that it could be an
enriching experience for our student body to get to know someone from the South. It
will make them appreciate their own culture and heritage. But if we do admit a
Southerner, we will be very deliberate in our selection, and we will certainly maintain
our campus-wide ban on cars with a bluebook value less than our annual tuition and,
of course, all pickup trucks.”
Campus changes necessitated by the discovery could be quite expensive, according
to Duke’s Director of Buildings and Grounds, Dennis Dunn. Hundreds of campus signs
reading “Duke: THE University of New Jersey at Durham” will have to be removed or
replaced. Many of the signs campus entrances will need to be changed. According to
Dunn, the “big arrow at the main campus entrance pointing north, labeled ‘New York
City,’ certainly will stay.”
Duke Director of Public Relations Albert Ohlmann vehemently denied rumors that Duke
had only revealed this now in an attempt to steal some reflected glory from the
University of North Carolina’s recent national championship in men’s basketball.
According to Ohlmann, the Duke community has not even been paying much attention
to basketball lately as it is trying to emphasize “more authentic North Carolina
traditions, such as those that natives call hollerin’ and banjo pickin’.”
In other news: A study released today by the University of Wisconsin-Stout’s
Department of Sports Psychology shows that the “cheesehead” hats, worn most
notably by Green Bay Packers and University of Wisconsin-Madison fans, are “not
primarily, as previously thought, an ensign of team loyalty but rather an affordable form
of head insulation.”
Gary D. Gaddy, who has a brother who intentionally earned a degree from Duke
University and a wife, who is actually from North Carolina, who got a law degree there,
apparently inadvertently, attended Boston University himself, which is, of course, in
Brookline.
A version of this column first appeared in the Chapel Hill Herald, Thursday March 15,
2007. Copyright 2007 Gary D. Gaddy
garygaddy.com 