VATICAN CITY and CHAPEL HILL — God announced today that He will cease
immediately taking a position on specific sporting events, including, of most
significance locally, the college basketball playoffs. The announcement came directly
as a “Word from God” to Pope Benedict XVI, as he mediated before Vespers yesterday
evening. Pope Benedict, in his weekly appearance on the balcony of Saint Peter’s
Basilica, made the proclamation on behalf of God to an obviously disappointed crowd
composed of devout pilgrims, ordinary Roman citizens and curious tourists of all faiths
from around the world.
“After millennia of considering the prayers of both players and fans, God said that there
was simply no way any longer to be impartial, even for Him, God Almighty,” said
Benedict.
Here’s the way He put it: “St. Johns plays Notre Dame, for example, how is anybody,
including me, going to do right in that situation? Priests, nuns, small children,
grandmothers are all praying fervently for their team. I try to be fair, I really do, but any
way I go there are players with broken hearts, cheerleaders with tears in their eyes and
coaches with curses, and rightfully so, on their lips. This just couldn’t go on.”
Benedict was emphatic, however, that God was not saying that He was stopping
listening to prayer in general.
“God made a point He would still answer prayer in other domains. For example, God
said, He will continue to answer prayers for the sick, if only intermittently. God pointed
out that it is a rare occasion that one petitioner is praying for healing and another,
equally devout, is praying for death for the same person. It happens, He said, but only
now and then.”
Benedict continued, “But, God said, to consider for a moment pre-game locker room
prayers for any tournament game, with dozens of guys praying on both sides, many of
them sincerely. ‘How in the heck am I supposed to deal with that?’ asked God.”
“Back when it was the Christians versus the lions,” Benedict said, “God said He felt
could adjudicate those contests fairly. But when it’s the Lions versus the Bears, and
you’ve got entire, albeit only nominally Christian, cities praying on each side, that’s a
whole different matter.”
TIVO, said God, is what finished it for Him. “When people started praying over digitally
delayed broadcasts, ‘That’s about enough,’ I said.”
As late as the 1960’s, when Catholic boys were earnestly crossing themselves before
shooting free throws, God said, according to Benedict, He thought that was “kind of
cute.” But once it became just a ritual, and then when “believers on both teams
started asking me to cover the point spread, then I just wanted to quit.”
Benedict said he had emailed this “Word” to former University of North Carolina head
basketball coach Dean Smith before revealing it to the College of Cardinals late last
night. Smith, said Benedict, was already familiar with the decision.
“God passed it by me,” said Smith, “and I reluctantly agreed. He said that the real
deciding event was the Georgetown-Carolina NCAA Division I basketball tournament
regional final. With all the nuns on one-side and all the Baptist school children on the
other, he just couldn’t handle it. With about seven minutes left, He said He stopped
watching.”
Then Smith added, “God made it clear He is still a Tar Heel; He’s just stepping back
from in-game management of outcomes. One factor that God said weighed heavily on
Him were the bedeviled and demonized souls at places like Duke and Wake, who were
falling farther and farther away from God as they failed to see any Divine favor coming
in their direction — especially at ‘crunch-time’ in close games.”
According to Smith, people should not get confused about what this means, or make it
any bigger than it is. “God said He will not stop blessing the Tar Heels any more than
He will be changing the sky color from Carolina Blue. Chapel Hill hasn’t moved
anywhere, said God, it’s still the southern part of Heaven,” relayed Smith.
Pope Benedict also wanted make sure that the general populace understood that God
was making a clear distinction between the efficacy of prayer on games of skill and on
games of chance.
“With games of skill you can work, train, study and prepare, so you don’t really need
me, the way I look at it. On games of chance, well, what else have you got? Winning
the Powerball lottery, hitting double zero on a roulette wheel, making a draw to fill an
inside straight, without divine intervention, what chance do you have?”
Gary D. Gaddy once attended a Sunday school class taught by Dean Smith. At the time
he felt very close to God.
A version of this column was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on March 29, 2007.
Copyright 2007 Gary D. Gaddy
garygaddy.com 