SOUTH POLE STATION, Antarctica — In what climatologists say is the definitive sign
that the theory of global warming is fact, Al Gore appears to have spontaneously
thawed. Gore’s frozen visage that many remember from the 2000 presidential
campaign no longer exists, say geo-political experts.
Now that he has melted, says North Carolina State University political scientist Dr.
Marv Mendenhall, Gore could run more effectively than he did as a solid, changing the
whole landscape of the Democrat presidential nomination process.
If Gore begins to run, as Mendenhall expects, this could spell an end to the presidential
bid of Chapel Hill’s own John Edwards, who, body language experts say, will now
come across as the rigid one in comparison.
Frank Paley, Duke University political scientist and economist, points out, however, that
his thawing has already cost Gore his position on the Bird’s Eye board of directors and
will likely lose him the support of the frozen confections industry. Paley also notes that
this leaves the frigid vote clearly in the hands of Hillary Clinton.
Gore, the cold and stiff candidate who made fellow northern-state Democrat
presidential candidates Michael Dukakis and Walter Mondale seem warm and fuzzy by
comparison, is no longer recognizable to even his own family. The change, temporarily
hidden by an ecologically correct Grizzly-Adams-type beard, became apparent when
Gore shaved it off as part of an “Earth First!” fundraiser. His wife, Mary Elizabeth
“Tipper” Gore, onlookers reported, was surprised when she first saw him clean shaven.
“He just didn’t have that chiseled look that I had grown to love,” she said with an edge
of despondency.
Gore, according to University of North Carolina art historian Joan Miro-Miro, now looks
more like a Salvador Dali painting than the ice sculpture that has been acting as the
official Gore vice-presidential portrait. Climate scientists believe the melting began
when Gore was onsite in Antarctica observing the photographing of the nature film
“March of the Penguins.” Wake Forest University political psychologist Dr. Werner von
Krankeit said that he believes that the tipping point for Gore may have come when he
recognized himself in the Emperor penguins walk.
While environmentalists have hailed the Gore-based documentary, “An Inconvenient
Truth,” as ice breaking, unfortunately, they are also concerned as Gore’s new energy
and passion are thought to be responsible for most of this year’s 0.2 degree (Celsius)
increase in the mean global temperature.
Congress solution to energy crisis
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Enron, the world’s largest natural gas company, today
announced during a public ceremony tapping the Capitol Dome that it has solved the
world energy crisis. “Our latest tests show that the Capitol produces more natural gas
daily than the combined output of Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Tajikistan, Uzbekistan and
several other notable Stans,” said Enron’s Dr. Furken Farzengruper.
Gas generation, Farzengruper said, is primarily a Senate byproduct. While the House of
Representatives also manufactures substantial amounts of gaseous substances,
Farzengruper noted that its natural gas is diluted by large quantities of hot air. “As a
fossil fuel, natural gas is much more naturally and purely produced by the Senate,”
concluded Farzengruper.
Environmentalists are ecstatic at this news, noting that capping the Capitol would
immediately reduce U.S. emissions of the major greenhouse gasses methane, ethane,
propane, butane and inane by an amount several times larger than that called for over
the next decade by the Kyoto Accords.
Some concern was expressed by a consulting engineer from North Carolina State
University about the long-term prospects for this find. Dr. Garland Leipugh said that his
mathematical simulations show that the loss of Senator Edward “Teddy” Kennedy (D-
Mass.) alone could dramatically change future production rates.
“Senator Kennedy expels each day the natural gas equivalent of 200 rotting whales,”
said Leipugh. “So, the Senator’s health, of course, concerns us. If the Senator were to
pass, while it would certainly lead to a temporary spike in production, eventually his
quota would have to be replaced. None of the younger senators seem capable of
producing even a fraction of Senator Kennedy’s daily output,” he added. Professor
Leipugh also indicated, that if revived, the proposed ban on filibusters of judicial
nominees could cut total gas yield by a factor of two.
Alternate gas sources are being sought. Tests on the White House, unfortunately,
indicate that the copious volumes of natural gas it produces cannot be harvested at
this time as it is quickly sucked into a localized but seemingly permanent vacuum in
the West Wing. Early tests on the press briefing room are promising however.
Efforts to apply similar technology in North Carolina have met with little success as
experts have determined that both its Capitol Dome and Governor’s mansion are filled
with holes.
Gary D. Gaddy attended the first Earth Day demonstration and teach-in on April 22,
1970 in Boston, Massachusetts. (Go to GaryGaddy.com to see past columns.)
A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday July 5, 2007.
Copyright 2007 Gary D. Gaddy
garygaddy.com 