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Horace Williams to become spaceport
CHAPEL HILL — The University of North Carolina announced today that it is dropping
all plans for developing Carolina North into an academic campus and instead will
convert Horace Williams Airport to an inter-galactic spaceport. UNC chancellor James
Moeser said that continuing local opposition to the reconfiguring of the Horace
Williams location as a mixed use research, educational and residential development
had convinced the University administration to look to more “forward-thinking” uses for
the property.
“We’ll be grand-fathered in as an air transportation hub — if grand-fathered is the
appropriate term to use for transitioning the facility to a 21st century inter-galactic
launch and landing site.”
According to Moeser, the new complex, which will feature a multi-use, space-themed
conference center, will also be the “perfect place for UNC computer science students
and other Carrboro residents to hold Star Trek meet-ups, conferences and
conventions.”
“We had considered offering the airport site to the Navy as an outlying landing field but
University ornithologists had recommended against it, saying that there were neither
the numbers nor types of birds appropriate for such a use, based on the previously
proposed sites in migratory bird pathways in eastern North Carolina,” said Moeser.
Duke University to drop football
DURHAM — Duke University will drop football, according to an internal report leaked to
an investigative reporter for the Chapel Hill Herald, and this is likely to occur as soon as
the first game of the upcoming season. Given the on-field record of Duke’s football
team over the last several decades, especially the last several seasons, the closest
observers of college football were stunned to realize that they hadn’t already.
“I had assumed that the reason that Duke had lost 20 games in a row was due to
forfeits. I figured as little attention as Duke’s athletic administration pays to football
they had simply forgotten to inform their opponents for the last several seasons that
they had dropped the sport,” said Sports Radio 850 The Buzz Program Director Adam
Gold.
When told of the report, Atlantic Coast Conference Commissioner John Swofford was
quick to note that fielding a football team is a requirement for any school belonging to
the ACC — which would mean that all Duke teams, including their men’s basketball
team, would be reduced to club sports.
Duke administrators were equally quick to quash the speculation that the leaked report
had generated.
“Duke has not and is not terminating its football program,” said President Richard
Brodhead. “The portions of the report that were released did not reflect accurately the
totality of its meaning.” said Brodhead. “While I cannot deny that the report said ‘Duke
to drop football,’ the context was a statistical analysis showing that given the rate of
turnovers per game, it was highly likely that the team would fumble the ball multiple
times in the first quarter of the first game of the season, not including botched extra-
point attempts, if any.”
Brodhead continued by saying that “Duke football is too important to Duke University
to even consider dropping it,” noting that in any given year up to one-third of Duke’s
medical students are former Duke football players.
Ex-Speaker says prosecution “racist”
RALEIGH — Deposed Speaker of the NC House of Representatives says that he was
only prosecuted because he is Black.
Hybrid sales surge following arrest
Tokyo — Toyota Motor Corporation reports that sales of its hybrid-energy propelled
Prius automobile surged 18% in a single week following a July 4 news report that Al
Gore III, 24, was arrested in California for speeding. Al Gore was driving a blue Toyota
Prius 100 mph on the San Diego Freeway when he was pulled over at 2:15 a.m.,
Sheriff’s Department spokesman Jim Amormino said.
IN RELATED NEWS: NASCAR insiders say that they are considering adding a “Car of
the Day After Tomorrow” division in addition to the Nextel Cup, which will feature only
Toyota Prii. The Joe Gibbs Racing team is said to be currently in negotiation with Al
Gore III as their lead driver.
Gary D. Gaddy is proud that his parents are one of America’s few multiple Prius-owning
households and loves attending UNC-Duke football games at Wallace Wade Stadium
where his seat is usually better than the ones he often gets given in the luxury boxes at
Kenan.
A version of this article was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday July 19, 2007.
garygaddy.com 