THE TIME HAS COME for me to throw my hat in the ring — where it will be trampled by
a herd of jackasses and pachyderms. I am today unofficially declaring myself a
candidate for the office of president. After canvassing the field, I feel that if these guys
(and gal) are of made of presidential mettle, so am I.
But that’s not for me to decide. To help you, the voters of Orange County and beyond,
determine whether I am the kind person you would like to pummel, debase and
degrade while I bring disgrace and dishonor to the office, I will answer some of the
questions from this past Monday (7/23/07) night’s CNN/YouTube debate.
Davis Fleetwood from Groton, Massachusetts: How would America be better off with
you as president than we would be if either Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama became
president?
Answer: We have looming before us two families being in charge of the presidency for
28 consecutive years, or longer, if Hillary Clinton were to be elected and then re-
elected, with likely prospect that Jeb Bush would succeed her. With me as president,
that bi-familial stranglehold would be broken. Obama would do that as well — but set
an uncomfortable precedent, which I would not, of being a president with an
unAmerican name.
Rob Porter from Irvine, California: Would you use the word “liberal” to describe
yourself?
Yes, and proudly so. I am also a progressive, regressive, moderate, forward-thinking,
tradition-holding, radical conservative with libertarian values.
Jordan Williams from Coffeyville, Kansas: Are you authentically black enough, or
satisfactorily feminine to be president?
Yes, in fact, I think I will be blackest president since Bill Clinton left office, and although
I am not nearly as hair-stylish as John Edwards, that I can hold my own in tennis
playing ladies doubles certainly suggests a certain feminine touch.
Reverend Reggie Longcrier of Hickory, North Carolina: Is it right for your faith beliefs to
be imposed on the American people when you’re president of the United States?
When I’m president I will not impose my beliefs on the American people, heck, I barely
impose them on myself. As long as atheist, agnostic, secular humanist and non-
sectarian beliefs are not being imposed on the American people, it will all be fine with
me to keep mine out too.
Would you meet with Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro, Kim Jong Il?
Yes, preferably in a convenient, yet neutral location such as Guantánamo Bay Naval
Base.
Who was your favorite teacher and why?
Jane Delano Brown because she lives in Chapel Hill, and therefore might read this, who
was my dissertation advisor, and who through her kindness helped me obtain my
doctorate in mass communication research, which places me head and shoulders over
Dennis Kucinich who has a mere master of arts in speech and communication.
What will you do to ensure that snowmen live a full and happy life?
I will supply free chest-type freezers to every home in America where each family can
store snowmen or snowballs (which may be used for snow cones or snowball fights in
July), as will be their free choice.
Do you believe that nuclear power is safer, cleaner and provides a quicker avenue to
energy independence than other alternatives?
Yes, and it’s the best way to reduce carbon-dioxide production for the near-term future
as well. Nuclear waste storage is a political problem, not a scientific or technical one.
Encasing nuclear waste containers (along with environmentalists who warn of the
doom of planet earth from global warming and still oppose nuclear power) in concrete
blocks and placing them in the proposed Yucca Mountain Repository in Nevada, which
is conveniently not only the home of Reno and Las Vegas but Senate Majority Leader
Harry Reid, will do much to solve this political problem as well as others.
In the wake of the elections in Florida in 2000, what do you think of dangling chads and
paper trails?
I promise not only to dangle chads but hang jeremys as well. Also, having learned from
Nixon’s mistakes, I promise not to leave an audio, video or paper trail.
Would you serve as president at the minimum wage? (All of the Democrat presidential
candidates excepting Chris Dodd said yes to this question. But note, as far as I know,
none of them are “serving” for that now.)
No. I have worked for minimum wage before as the weekend night desk clerk at the
Econo-Travel Motel in beautiful inner city Norfolk. Risking your life for $3.35 an hour (in
1978 dollars) won’t worth it then and ain’t worth it now.
Gary D. Gaddy is not really going to run for president — for those of you who are still
trying to separate fact from fiction.
A version of this article was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday July 26, 2007.
garygaddy.com 