SOME OF MY MOST DEDICATED readers, who seem to have nothing better to do than
try to figure out what I mean by my columns, have sent me a series of very
questionable queries, all of which indicate that they really should be spending their
time on something more worthwhile — perhaps watching re-runs of Jackass. But, even
so, being the man that I am, I will answer these queries to the best of my ability, which
ain’t much.
Terry O’Culligan of Durham wants to know: Why are you always making fun of liberals
and Democrats?
My brother-in-law says I’m a contrarian. Though I’m not sure he could spell it, I think
he may be right. Because the dominant ethos of this area is liberal (Republicans only
being allowed within the Chapel Hill city limits during hunting season), it is more fun to
make fun of liberal Democrats than their conservative Republican cousins. Further, I
simply find that liberal Democrats’ general wack-wack-wackiness much more
personally entertaining than the banal moronity of some conservative Republicans.
Trust me, I distrust them both. As it says on every greenback in my pocket, “In God
We Trust” — and if that’s good enough for the U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Printing,
Dr. O’Culligan, it’s good enough for me.
Michael Ratty of Orange County asks: How come sometimes you are funny and others
times you are not?
Michael, sometimes the subject matter does not lend itself to humor. Sometimes I’m
not feeling funny. Sometimes the jokes just don’t work. But maybe it’s your problem,
Mike.
Dr. Henry Lesesne of Chapel Hill wonders: Don’t you think that it is dangerous to put
words in the mouth of God and Jesus?
Yes, it is, Hank, but at least I know I am making up what they say when I do — which
puts me on much firmer ground than many people “quoting the Bible” — an especially
popular pastime during this interminable election season.
Daniel Crummett of the Chapel Hill Tennis Club asks: Do I need to be careful so you
won’t put what I say in the newspaper?
No, Dan, you don’t because I won’t. You have to say something interesting, or at least
that I think might possibly be mildly interesting to any one of the several readers of the
Chapel Hill Herald, before I will put it in my column. Sorry, Dan. (And, by the way, if
anyone ever did say something interesting, I wouldn’t use their name, I would just steal
their idea.)
David Stickel from the fringe of Carrboro inquires: Why does the Apostles’ Creed, a
traditional statement of orthodox Christian belief, say of Jesus that “he shall come to
judge the quick and the dead”?
David, it is not as many suppose because he, like us, will judge athletes for their
rampant steroid abuse which leaves them either quick or dead. Instead, this creed
employs an arcane use of the term “quick” meaning living. Dead means dead. The
reason the creed says this is, well, how can I put this delicately . . . he will. And if you
think about it, Dave, that pretty much covers everybody, so watch out.
Paul Jones of UNC (not to be confused with John Paul Jones, bassist for Led Zeppelin)
questions: Is it true that you are a published poet?
Although I am humbled by the very thought that you, Paul, so world weary, would pose
such a query; yes, I must confess I am. If you don’t believe me, right here is one of my
published works.
The Poet Would Be
The would-be poet sleeps with pen in hand,
reads each morning his ink-stained sheets;
hoping, waiting for the masterpiece
that comes so often in dream.
Every morning it is the same.
The spots and splotches yield not a word.
Try though he may, he cannot find a line,
remember not a word from these great works,
only the echoes of the praises
and the prizes, and his name.
Now you will have to admit that that is poetic, don’t you?
Finally, Sandra Herring, from the next room, asks: Are you coming to bed or not?
Yes, darling, just as soon as I finish one more
Gary D. Gaddy was a poet in both high school and college where he found it to be the
best way, short of learning to play lead guitar, which is really hard, to pick up chicks.
(Go to GaryGaddy.com to see past columns and such.)
A version of this article was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday August 2,
2007. Copyright 2007 Gary D. Gaddy
garygaddy.com 