DAVE BARRY STOPPED WRITING his weekly columns several years ago (in 2004 to be
exact). Other nationally noted columnists, such as Abigail Van Buren (“Dear Abby”) and
Ann Landers (“Ann Landers”), have had the simple decency to die before they quit on
their loyal readers. They, apparently, even had the forethought to bequeath their names
and trademarks, if not their talent, to progenitors who continue to “ghostwrite” (and I
use that termed advisedly) their columns. I, personally, see no reason why I should
have to wait for the self-centered Mr. Barry to die, or for him to admit I am his progeny,
before replacing him. Thus, I humbly offer myself, his red-headed stepchild, as his
surrogate. Find my first submission below.
Ask Mister Language Person
NOT BY DAVE BARRY. (This is not the classic Dave Barry column which was originally
published Nov. 4, 2001.)
Welcome to another episode of “Ask Mister Language Person,” the column written by
the well-versed language expert listed in the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s
most punctilious person.
punc·til·i·ous [puhngk-TIL-ee-uhs] adjective [Origin: 1625-35] Probably from the Italian
puntiglioso, from puntiglio meaning “fine point,” from Latin punctum meaning “prick.”
Extremely attentive to punctilios; strict or exact in the observance of the formalities or
amenities of conduct or actions.
-Related forms: punc·til·i·ous·ly, adverb; punc·til·i·ous·ness, noun.
-Synonyms: precise, demanding; careful, conscientious. See also scrupulous.
-Antonyms: careless.
Now, some questions from some curious correspondents.
Q: Why does it seem that all conservative opinion columnists write pedantical columns
about grammatic faux pas and other purportedly egregian errors of the English
language?
A: It’s hard to say but may be related to the fact that they also tend as a group to be
enamored with S. Isitt’s grammatical classic “Crazic, Menty and Idiotal: An Inquiry into
the Use of the Suffixes -al, -ic-, -ly, and -y in Modern English,” which is a jaunty romp
through this limited yet important range of adjectival suffixes.
Q: Do you have any language tips for the American traveling abroad?
A: Americans (being from the greatest nation that ever has or ever will exist) have a
tendency when traveling about the globe to assume that the rest of the world will
accommodate them linguistically, thus allowing the Americans to communicate
effortlessly in their own tongue. This, unfortunately, is not true. Sadly, in many parts of
the world foreigners speak English with a foreign accent, using phrasing and idioms
not in common use among native American speakers.
Even our good friends from north of the border (that would be the Canadians for those
of you who do not have a world map handy at the moment) have a tendency to lapse
into Canadian accentuation and colloquialization at moments when speaking with
foreigners (which we Americans are, strangely enough, when traveling in foreign
nations such as Canada). This can be confusing.
For example, if a Canadian calls you a “keener,” do not be flattered. Keener refers to an
eager person who is “keen” to demonstrate knowledge in nerdy environments, such as
work, school or church. Like “hoser,” it is not a flattering term.
Also, if a Canadian asks you for a loonie, do not give them a bird. Although the loon is
a water bird whose haunting call has long symbolized the peace and quiet of Canadian
cottage country, a Canadian using this term would likely be referring to the Royal
Canadian Mint’s one-dollar coin, thusly called because of the loon depicted on the
coin’s face, or, more generally, to the Canadian dollar.
Further, let us consider the case of a Canadian asking, “How’s she bootin ‘er?” Just
say, “Fine.” (The question is the Canadian equivalent of “How y’all doin’?” in the
Southern American idiom.)
Finally, if a Canadian calls you a Gorby while you are visiting Montreal, do not be
alarmed. This is not, I repeat, not a derogatory term for a communist. Gorby is a
derogatory term for a tourist, which at that point, you would be.
Q: What are the most interesting anagrams of DAVE BARRY?
A: The most interesting, in a linguistic context, are Adverb Ray, A Very Bard, and A Yard
Verb (which, I might add, would make a very good band name).
Q: Why do English teachers get so kerfuffled about dangling participles?
A: Without bringing in too much detail from the unfortunate Robert Wooding incident in
seventh-grade gym class at Robert E. Lee Junior High School in Danville, Virginia in the
fall of 1962, let’s just say that phys-ed teachers aren’t that keen on them either.
Gary D. Gaddy, who isn’t himself punctilious but does have a brother who once wrote a
college term paper on the use of the verb “to be” in Hamlet, is not, I repeat, is not Dave
Barry.
A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday July 31, 2008.
Coyright 2008 Gary D. Gaddy
garygaddy.com 