DURHAM — Satan announced today that he is stepping down immediately as the
primary force for evil in this world. No word has been given on any of his possible
replacements.
Satan, or Beelzebub as he is sometimes known, moved easily among the large crowd
of media representatives congregated in Cameron Indoor Stadium on the campus of
Duke University. In a style reminiscent of TV host Phil Donohue, Satan made a few
opening remarks then continued by taking questions and speaking off the cuff.
Satan, wearing a crisply pressed, solid black Lord & Taylor’s suit, began with prepared
remarks but quickly dropped them. “I want to cut right to the chase,” he began. “I am
out and I am not coming back.”
“I know that will disappoint many — but that is the way it is. Get used to it,” he
continued. “I feel like I have fomented all of the division and hatred that any one being
could foment in one lifetime.
“I do not want to be one of those who hangs around and hangs around until even my
former supporters are trying to push me out,” he said. “I always thought that Jim
Brown [Editor’s note: Brown is the football Hall of Fame fullback who played for the
Cleveland Browns] who went out when he was still the best player in football — did it
the classy way.
“Another reason I feel like now would be a good time is that I have, I feel, done such a
good job in grooming others to carry on my work, my legacy, I like to call it, that I feel
like I can just sit back and watch them finish.
“I am especially happy with what I have done with religion. My work in Islam has been
superb, in my opinion. Anytime you can get mothers sending out their own children to
be blown up in God’s name, as the Devil you have to feel good about yourself.
“I have put nuclear weapons in the hands of nuts. I have inspired a world filled with so
much greed it makes me jealous. Countries filled with fat people sit next to countries
filled with starving people. Does anybody really think I can do any better than this? I
am not a modest being, as you may have noticed, and even I do not.
“In my opinion, the political season has been very good this year for me. When you can
get one purported Christian calling another purported Christian ‘godless,’ you know
things are going your way. But do not get me wrong when I called these folks
‘purported’ Christians; rare is the one who calls himself a Christian and is worthy of the
name.
“Listen, I know Jesus Christ. I have talked to Jesus face to face. Jesus has been my
personal enemy. And these people are no Jesus Christs.”
Stepping into the crowd, Satan continued. “I want to speak directly to those in the
news media as I know many of you are distraught at the prospect of working without
me. I know most of you will miss me when I am gone. I know I have been one of your
more reliable newsmakers for a long time. And do not think that I have not appreciated
your bias toward bad news. I always liked a detailed story on a bloody coup, gruesome
mass murder or genocide as much as the next guy.
“Still, I promise I am not the only force for evil on earth. Trust me on this. If you do not,
check out the Internet where every perversity known to humanity is available to every
eight-year old 24-7. Pretty slick.”
When asked about his retirement plans, Satan, pausing, became meditative. “Well, I
am going to Hell, obviously. But let me say this about that. Hell gets a very bad rap.
Granted the weather is not great; it’s almost as bad as Fayetteville in August. But as
far as evil goes, Hell is hardly any different from any world-class city I have been in —
which is my point here today. Not much more left for me to do, do you think?”
With that statement, Satan walked down from the podium toward the home locker
room, disappearing into a dark cloud of smoke.
Aileen Nodeus, spokesperson for the Godless Americans Political Action Committee,
said she had mixed emotions about Satan’s announcement. “Right from the top,
Godless Americans don’t like acknowledging Satan’s existence, since that seems to
imply a god. But let’s take things like they are: We don’t need this Satan guy anymore
than we need a god. And stuff Satan claims as ‘his work,’ like evicting God from the
public schools, guess what, I never saw single one of his amicus briefs — that was our
work.”
Gary D. Gaddy, who never thought he was a big fan of Satan, used to do some pretty
decent work on his behalf.
A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Thursday November
13, 2008.
Copyright 2008 Gary D. Gaddy
garygaddy.com 