Due to an unexpected hospitalization, the Local Voices column usually appearing
in this space will not appear this week. The Chapel Hill Herald editorial staff
hopes that its readers be will understanding during this difficult time and bear
with us until the column returns. The following news story may help clarify the
nature of Dr. Gaddy’s absence, the prognosis for his recovery and the timing of
his return.
GARY D. GADDY, the Chapel Hill Herald’s leading Thursday columnist, has been
hospitalized since Sunday evening in the University of North Carolina Hospitals’
Infectious Disease Treatment Unit. Gaddy, 58, has what one UNC doctor called one of
the worst cases of imperfection infection that he has seen in 21 years of medical
practice.
The imperfection disorder, which is caused by the virus T.H. imperfectiviridae, is a
seasonal illness which breeds among crowds in large indoor spectating venues. It is
usually not fatal.
Dr. Bernard T. Fingleton, a noted psychopathologist, who spent two decades at the
University Medical Center of Southern Nevada in Las Vegas, said he thought that
Gaddy’s distress may have been enhanced by the fact that he deliberately delayed his
direct exposure to the imperfection virus while dining out with friends. Imperfectiviridae
infections, it seems, are a cross between physical retroviruses and computer viruses
and thus can be transmitted electronically.
“It’s not, however, a virtual disease. It’s real. Just ask anybody who has suffered a
bout of it. It sucks the life right out of you,” said Fingleton.
Fingleton said the last time he saw anything like this outbreak was April 1, 1991. That
epidemic was at the time termed the Runless Rebless Syndrome. “It seemed like a
bad April Fool’s joke — but it wasn’t,” said Fingleton.
“Until full recovery is achieved, it is hard to see how anyone could make a single
chuckle-worthy joke much less produce a humor-filled column,” said Neil Offen, past
editor of the Chapel Hill Herald.
Still, this is not one of those “it only hurts when I laugh kind of syndromes,” according
to Dr. Fingleton. “You can’t laugh after a serious imperfection infection, certainly not
anyone who had been previously exposed to the precursor perfection expectation virus
(T.H.-b perfectusexpectusviridae).”
The expectation virus, say researchers, lowers the body’s natural immune system
defenses so that it becomes more susceptible to imperfectiviridae infections.
Around 7:30 pm on Sunday the hospital’s emergency room was flooded with walk-in
patients with imperfectus. “Many of individuals said that they were sitting on top of the
world when, in a period of two hours, the world collapsed out from under them,”
reported Jan Bonnet, a receptionist at UNC Hospitals.
“The refrain we heard was almost universal,” said Liza Botts, an emergency-room
nurse. “They’d say, ‘Just a couple of hours ago, I felt perfect. Now this,’” she said.
Botts described treating cheerleaders with their hair-ribbons untied, other students
with smeared facepaint, several older males with their shirt-tails hanging out. “They
were a mess,” Botts said.
Although Gaddy was by far the most notable individual person to fall to the disorder, he
was hardly the only one.
One other newsworthy individual who was treated, but cannot be mentioned by name
due to the federal health privacy regulations, was described variously by sources as a
local attorney, a former United States senator, a former candidate for vice president
and a former candidate for president.
A source familiar with this individual said that in her years of acquaintance she had
never seen him in a state like this before. “I swear his hair was mussed,” said Diane
Cling, a secretary at the UNC School of Law.
The outbreak seems to be localized as Duke University Medical Center in Durham has
not reported any significant up tick in imperfection infection cases. Duke physician
Ganji Gupta said he has seen a few but “many more cases of free-form euphoria than
imperfectus.”
After talking to colleagues at UNC, Gupta said, “I don’t think we have seen anything
like what they are seeing there at UNC here at Duke since December 2000.”
Dr. Graeme Greene, an epidemiologist affiliated with Wake Forest University Baptist
Medical Center, says that they will be on the watch for an outbreak in Winston-Salem
next weekend.
Gaddy’s wife, who received only a half dose of exposure to the imperfection infection,
was treated and released after several hours. Doctors said that she will likely not suffer
long-term consequence of significance — as long as she plays her generally cheery
banjo only in minor keys until late March or early April when the possibility of re-
infection within this annual cycle disappears.
A family spokesperson said that Dr. Gaddy is requesting that in lieu of flowers
donations be made to the RoyHasToGo.com website and that in lieu of cards or other
condolences individuals should post appropriate comments on the website’s Bash-
Roy Blog.
Gary D. Gaddy hopes to return to writing his regular humor column sometime during
2009.
A version of this column was published in the Chapel Hill Herald Thursday January 8,
2009.
Copyright 2009 Gary D. Gaddy
garygaddy.com 