McLEAN, Va. — In an unprecedented joint-recall announcement Mars and Pfizer
Incorporated have requested that consumers return to the place of purchase all blue
M&M’s and Viagra® tablets bought between December 25, 2010 and February 14,
2011.
Industry analysts say the recall is a result of a steady stream of consumer reports that
both products were working much better than advertised.
“Best New Year’s Day I ever had,” said Emilene Snutter of East Chester, Pennsylvania.
“Earl actually put down his remote at the end of the fourth quarter of the Rose Bowl
with Wisconsin driving to tie the game. At the time I thought it was the jalapeño dip but
during NFL playoffs it became clearer. After my sister-in-law, Earlene, came over for
bridge last Saturday night, I figured it out for sure. She won’t touch a blue M&M. Very
traditional, you know.”
“Anyway, after Earl emptied the candy dish,” added Mrs. Snutter, “he was frisky as a
squid on Sunday morning. We barely made it in time for the sermon.”
Others caught in the mix-up had a quite different experience. Viagra user Robert
McCann said, “I didn’t get anywhere with Hilda, but I didn’t care, the tablet just melted
in my mouth not in my hand. You woulda thought it was a dark Belgian chocolate not
sildenafil citrate.”
Neither media-savvy Mars execs nor the PR-meisters at Pfizer could provide an
adequate explanation for the embarrassing snafu.
“We cannot comprehend how this could have happened. While we share the same
blue-dye manufacturer and the same trans-shipper, we do not understand at all how
our products could have become interchanged,” admitted Pfizer chief executive officer
Ian Read.
“We are understandably very concerned, as both companies may lose millions in
potential revenue,” said Ryan Bowling, Director of Public Relations for Mars. “For this
to happen just as consumers were beginning to accept blue M&M’s as unobjectionable
is very poor timing,” he added.
“Blue M&M’s, as many of you know, are manufactured at a separate location from the
traditionally colored M&M’s and some distance from the packaging facility,” said
Bowling. “But that doesn’t explain how they got switched inside the bags and blister
packs.”
Pfizer Incorporated, which is headquartered in New York, said that its Kalamazoo,
Michigan-based Research and Development Division is warning M&M consumers
about priapism (πριαπισμoς), a painful condition which can last for more than four
hours, and has been reported among some Tollhouse cookie consumers. To avoid
long-term injury, it is important that the cookies be allowed to cool at least 15 minutes
before eating.
The battle for the University of New Jersey
DURHAM, N.C. — Duke University filed a suit in U.S. District Court for the Middle
District of North Carolina which asks that Rutgers University “cease and desist from
referring to itself, or any of its constituent entities,” as “The University of New Jersey.”
Duke’s suit says that this is necessary in order to prevent confusion by the public
between the two schools.
In its reply Rutgers University made its case for being The University of New Jersey by
noting that it launched in the past semester a two-year initiative called Project Civility,
which is aimed at getting Rutgers students and faculty to treat people better.
The Rutgers’ program’s organizer Kathleen Hull jokes that the program’s name could
be, “Project Civility: You got a problem with that?”
Rutgers’ student government president Yousef Saleh says he’d like for students to be
more thoughtful on the university’s buses, especially with their cell phones, and to stop
slamming their textbooks closed before class is over.
Off the record several Duke administrators said such a civility program was unlikely to
be offered at Duke since if it were effective it would mark the certain end of the
Cameron Crazies.
Gary D. Gaddy, on principle, refuses to eat blue M&M’s.
A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald on Friday May 6, 2011.
Copyright 2011 Gary D. Gaddy
garygaddy.com 