CARRBORO,ju N.C. — The Carrboro Board of Alderpersons voted Tuesday to pull the
plug on “Bathe French Month.” What was to be a month-long celebration of French
hygienic culture was terminated by a unanimous vote with minimal discussion.
A proclamation made in April to designate August “Bathe French Month,” insiders say,
was part of a move by Carrboro to officially become, in alliance with Québec, part of
France within the next decade.
Culturally, politically, hygienically, it’s where we belong,” said Alderperson Jacqueline
Gist in April. “As the rednecks from the country around here say, ‘America, Love or
Leave It.’ We have decided to leave it.”
The more-than-honorary French-solidarity month passed unanimously, affirming
Carrboro’s “closeness to the French people.” The April meeting ended with hardy
cheers of “Vive la France!”
Tuesday’s meeting ended in stone cold silence.
“We all understand why we did what we did; no need to talk about it,” said Dan
Coleman, alderperson, community activist and Green Party stalwart. Coleman clutched
a copy of the Raleigh News & Observer in his hand from earlier this year. The clearly
visible headline read: “France, U.S. to present draft resolution on Lebanon to Security
Council.”
With the recent election of conservative Nicolas Sarkozy as French president and
France’s new-found spirit of cooperation with the Bush regime, Carrboro’s plans for
being annexed by France are being put on hold.
Carrboro’s cancelling of “Bathe French Month” had ripple effects in neighboring
communities. In April, the Town Council of Chapel Hill voted to support Carrboro’s
proclamation — without adopting a similar one themselves.
“We thought it was great that Carrboro was doing this. It meant more water for us to
irrigate our lawns,” said May.or Kevin Foy. “We’re obviously disappointed that they
cancelled it without consulting us,” he added, “though we understand. We share a
common foreign policy.”
An expert from the University of North Carolina’s School of Public Health’s Personal
Hygiene Curriculum said that changing from American bathing standards to those of
the French would amount to water savings of 40 gallons per person per day. “For a
town of 18,000 for one month that totals to over 21 million gallons of water,” calculated
Professor Bernard Zauber.
When it was pointed out to Dr. Zauber that it was Carrboro that was under discussion,
he revised his calculations quickly. “I have several graduate students who live in
Carrboro, and, trust me; it won’t make much difference at all, couple of ounces one
way or the other, max.”
Carrboro, which touted itself as the “Paris of the Piedmont” in 1970 and proclaimed
March 2003 “Buy French Month,” is a small town on the western outskirts of Chapel
Hill.
Congress Passes Equal Heights Amendment
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today the United States Congress voted to amend the
Constitution to provide that: “Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or
abridged by the United States or by any State on account of height.” Heights-rights
activists hailed the proposal as the “First Amendment of the 21st Century.”
Since, technically, Congress cannot amend the U.S. Constitution unilaterally, the
legislation enacted enables the clerk of court of Cuyahoga County, Ohio, to make the
changes enumerated in the statute.
One of the House representatives of lesser stature, Dennis Kucinich (D-Oh.), observed
that this principled stance, endorsed unanimously by congressional Democrats, will
cost the party in the short run.
“We’ll lose some of our biggest supporters, no question,” said Kucinich. “We realize
that Shaquille O’Neal will become a Republican.”
“Heightism is rampant in our society. If you don’t believe me, ask Katie Couric. O.K.,
bad example. Still, tell me the last time someone vertically challenged was named MVP
of the NBA? Muggsy Bogues never had a chance,” added Kucinich.
Political observers note that Kucinich could be the biggest beneficiaries of the
amendment. “Forget the 2000 election being stolen from Al Gore. Dennis Kucinich
would be president today if it were weren’t for pervasive societal height bias. Looking
like a lawn gnome shouldn’t disqualify someone from our nation’s highest office,” said
Democrat political consultant James Carville.
Republican opponents of the amendment listed many “ramifications of this ill-
conceived proposition”: Dwarf tossing would become a hate crime; Randy Newman’s
song “Short People” will be banned as performance accompaniment for free-style
gymnastics routines; signs stating “No one shorter than this” will be forbidden at
amusement parks; and “Separate-But-Unequal” lowered-height urinals would be
outlawed.
Local representative David Price (D-N.C.) voted for the amendment while both North
Carolina senators, Richard Burr and Elizabeth Dole, voted against the measure.
An irony expert in the Department of Linguistics at the University of North Carolina, Dr.
Meta Imalosa, noted that the “Equal Heights Amendment” will be the shortest in the
history of the constitution.
Gary D. Gaddy bathed French during the school year of 1969-70 and his first girlfriend
was vertically challenged.
A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald July 5, 2007. Copyright
2007 Gary D. Gaddy
garygaddy.com 