CARRBORO,ju N.C. — The Carrboro Board of Alderpersons voted Tuesday to pull the plug on "Bathe French Month." What was to be a month-long celebration of French hygienic culture was terminated by a unanimous vote with minimal discussion.

A proclamation made in April to designate August "Bathe French Month," insiders say, was part of a move by Carrboro to officially become, in alliance with Québec, part of France within the next decade.

Culturally, politically, hygienically, it's where we belong," said Alderperson Jacqueline Gist in April. "As the rednecks from the country around here say, 'America, Love or Leave It.' We have decided to leave it."

The more-than-honorary French-solidarity month passed unanimously, affirming Carrboro's "closeness to the French people." The April meeting ended with hardy cheers of "Vive la France!"

Tuesday's meeting ended in stone cold silence.

"We all understand why we did what we did; no need to talk about it," said Dan Coleman, alderperson, community activist and Green Party stalwart. Coleman clutched a copy of the Raleigh News & Observer in his hand from earlier this year. The clearly visible headline read: "France, U.S. to present draft resolution on Lebanon to Security

Council."

With the recent election of conservative Nicolas Sarkozy as French president and France's new-found spirit of cooperation with the Bush regime, Carrboro's plans for being annexed by France are being put on hold.

Carrboro's cancelling of "Bathe French Month" had ripple effects in neighboring communities. In April, the Town Council of Chapel Hill voted to support Carrboro's proclamation — without adopting a similar one themselves.

"We thought it was great that Carrboro was doing this. It meant more water for us to irrigate our lawns," said May.or Kevin Foy. "We're obviously disappointed that they cancelled it without consulting us," he added, "though we understand. We share a common foreign policy."

An expert from the University of North Carolina's School of Public Health's Personal Hygiene Curriculum said that changing from American bathing standards to those of the French would amount to water savings of 40 gallons per person per day. "For a town of 18,000 for one month that totals to over 21 million gallons of water," calculated Professor Bernard Zauber.

When it was pointed out to Dr. Zauber that it was Carrboro that was under discussion, he revised his calculations quickly. "I have several graduate students who live in Carrboro, and, trust me; it won't make much difference at all, couple of ounces one way or the other, max."

Carrboro, which touted itself as the "Paris of the Piedmont" in 1970 and proclaimed March 2003 "Buy French Month," is a small town on the western outskirts of Chapel Hill.

Congress Passes Equal Heights Amendment

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today the United States Congress voted to amend the Constitution to provide that: "Equality of rights under the law shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of height." Heights-rights activists hailed the proposal as the "First Amendment of the 21st Century."

Since, technically, Congress cannot amend the U.S. Constitution unilaterally, the legislation enacted enables the clerk of court of Cuyahoga County, Ohio, to make the changes enumerated in the statute.

One of the House representatives of lesser stature, Dennis Kucinich (D-Oh.), observed that this principled stance, endorsed unanimously by congressional Democrats, will cost the party in the short run.

"We'll lose some of our biggest supporters, no question," said Kucinich. "We realize that Shaquille O'Neal will become a Republican."

"Heightism is rampant in our society. If you don't believe me, ask Katie Couric. O.K., bad example. Still, tell me the last time someone vertically challenged was named MVP of the NBA? Muggsy Bogues never had a chance," added Kucinich.

Political observers note that Kucinich could be the biggest beneficiaries of the amendment. "Forget the 2000 election being stolen from Al Gore. Dennis Kucinich would be president today if it were weren't for pervasive societal height bias. Looking like a lawn gnome shouldn't disqualify someone from our nation's highest office," said Democrat political consultant James Carville.

Republican opponents of the amendment listed many "ramifications of this ill- conceived proposition": Dwarf tossing would become a hate crime; Randy Newman's song "Short People" will be banned as performance accompaniment for free-style gymnastics routines; signs stating "No one shorter than this" will be forbidden at amusement parks; and "Separate-But-Unequal" lowered-height urinals would be outlawed.

Local representative David Price (D-N.C.) voted for the amendment while both North Carolina senators, Richard Burr and Elizabeth Dole, voted against the measure.

An irony expert in the Department of Linguistics at the University of North Carolina, Dr. Meta Imalosa, noted that the "Equal Heights Amendment" will be the shortest in the history of the constitution.

Gary D. Gaddy bathed French during the school year of 1969-70 and his first girlfriend was vertically challenged.

A version of this story was published in the Chapel Hill Herald July 5, 2007. Copyright 2007 Gary D. Gaddy